Teaching Others How to Love Us
When it comes to love, we often hold an unspoken expectation that those around us should just "know" how to love us. Whether it’s a partner, family member, or friend, we believe they should intuitively understand our needs, desires, and the ways we feel most valued. Yet, when they fall short of these expectations, we may find ourselves frustrated, hurt, or even questioning the relationship. But what if the issue isn’t about how much they love us, but rather how well we’ve communicated what love looks like for us?
The Expectation Trap
It’s common to assume that if someone loves us, they should automatically understand how to show it in the ways we need most. This belief can lead to feelings of disappointment or resentment when they don’t show up in the way we expect. Perhaps you’ve thought, “If they really cared, they’d know what I need,” or “I shouldn’t have to tell them; it should be obvious.”
But the reality is that everyone has their own unique ways of expressing love, shaped by their upbringing, experiences, and personality. What feels loving to one person might not resonate with another. For example, one person might show love through acts of service, while another might prioritize words of affirmation. This difference in love languages can lead to miscommunication and unmet needs if we don’t take the time to express how we wish to be loved.
Identifying Your Own Brand of Love
Before we can teach others how to love us, it’s essential to first understand how we express and receive love. Take a moment to reflect on the following:
How do you typically show love to others? Do you go out of your way to help them, spend quality time together, or offer kind words? Recognizing your own love language can give you insight into your expectations of others.
How have people shown you love in the past? Think about times when you felt truly valued and loved. What did those moments have in common? Did someone listen attentively, offer support, or show up for you during difficult times?
What thoughts arise when you feel devalued by others? Notice if you tend to assume the worst about someone’s intentions when they don’t meet your expectations. These thoughts can often be a clue to your unmet needs.
Understanding your own needs and how you prefer to receive love allows you to better communicate these preferences to others. It also helps you recognize the ways in which others are trying to show you love, even if it’s not in the way you expected.
Communicating Your Needs
Once you’ve identified your brand of love and reflected on your past experiences, it’s time to communicate your needs to those around you. This can feel vulnerable, but it’s a crucial step in building deeper, more fulfilling relationships.
Start by acknowledging the ways they already show you love and express gratitude for their efforts. Then, gently share what would make you feel even more valued. For example, you might say, “I really appreciate how you always help out around the house; it means a lot to me. It would also mean a lot if we could spend some time together just talking.”
Encourage an open dialogue where both of you can share your needs and expectations. Remember, this isn’t about demanding that someone change who they are but rather about finding a middle ground where both of your needs can be met.
Embracing Growth Together
Teaching others how to love us is an ongoing process that requires patience, understanding, and communication. It’s about building a relationship where both parties feel seen, valued, and respected. As you work together to meet each other’s needs, you’ll likely find that your relationships grow stronger and more fulfilling.
So, take the time to reflect on your needs, communicate openly, and embrace the journey of teaching and learning how to love each other better. After all, love isn’t just about feeling good—it’s about growing together.
